Friday, 15 April 2016

Life is puzzling

See that puzzle above? That's what my life feels like, friends.  The gap is my 'now', the moment I'm currently in.  All of the other pieces, all jumbled up, that's the rest of my life.  All of those pieces represent a person, a task, a responsibility that I have.  Each and everyone of them is jostling and demanding to get into my now.  Prioritising is impossible.  Each is as important as the next because they are all integral to the whole.  There is no sense of achievement or accomplishment in this puzzle because even when I finally get a piece in the right place, it soon gets slid aside so that another can pass. It's all very complicated.  And like a toddler attempting this puzzle, I feel completely overwhelmed and powerless to sort it all out.

Right now it is 8.23am.  I'm sitting at my desk with a pot of tea and writing to you.  Dopey stayed at her Gran's last night and so I'm well rested and ready to face the day.  All manner of chaos is waiting for me post 10am, but for now I don't need to worry about those other puzzle pieces.  I can breathe in the empty space.  It is the first time in such a long time that there is nothing else that I should be doing.  So I'm writing to you.

Believe or not friends I write to you more than you know.  Every day, in fact, I compose one, two or more posts.. Some are funny anecdotes, some are reflections on life and some are just plain rants.  The problem is, they are all composed in my head and never get poured out onto a page.  I'm talking to you as I'm driving my 60 minute commute to work, showering, settling Dopey for a sleep.  You get me?  You're in my mind constantly and I feel a crushing guilt that I don't talk to you more often.  You're very much a piece in my puzzle.  Unfortunately you're so often wedged behind work, child rearing and husband managing that try as I might, I just can't get to you.

I wish that this was a more encouraging, entertaining post and I'm sorry that it's not.  But I feel it is an important one.  I want you to know that I am committed to this blog, to you.  I love seeing how many of you read this.  After each and every post I spend a few days checking back, looking at the page view count on Blogger, delighting as it goes up.  I feel held by you a little bit.  Listened to.  Thank you.

I'd love to connect with you all more personally.  So if you're reading this and relate to my jumbled up life, please leave a comment and comment on each others comments.  I can't be the only one feeling like this so let's reach out to each other.  Say, 'yes, I hear you'.  Give advice, support, solidarity or a virtual hug.  It's what blogs are all about.  Let's use ours well.

Till next time,

Diary of an imperfect mum