Pregnancy is often presented to us as a 'journey'. We expect to float along with our emotions and nesting skills expanding with our bellies. In reality, the journey often takes you off-road. It's bumpy, uncomfortable and mucky and we need better preparation for this. My guide to pregnancy seeks to do just that.
Trimester One
You have taken that life changing pee that tells you that
you are, officially, with child. You get
that giddy, nervous feeling like you’ve embarked on something that could be
really fun or really stupid – you know, like at the end of the night when
someone says, ‘let’s camp out on a roundabout’ (true story, but for another
time) and you say, ‘OK!’ But then you can’t get that niggly voice out of your
head that’s saying, ‘are you sure this is you?’
Once you’ve made peace with this decision it’s time to
start telling other people. You will
probably have had a scan by now. This is
an exciting day; you get to see your baby for the very first time. Wahey!
You will also have drunk a gallon of water before you go in (a full
bladder is mandatory fr this) which means that instead of being absorbed by the
wonder of meeting your child, all you will think is, ‘ok yes, there it is, can
I go pee now?’
You will have the same conversation with everyone you
tell about you impending motherhood.
Everyone will ask you how far along you are and they will then chastise
you for not telling them sooner. They
will want to know if you are finding out the sex and they will then chastise
you for being a spoil sport for finding out.
Or for not finding out. It wholly
depends on their own, personal opinion.
They will ask you how many babies are in there. They will then laugh, nudge you, say, ‘or so
you think!’ and then go on to tell you a story of someone they knew who got
themselves a surprise second baby on the delivery table. They will want to know how you are
feeling. It may take a few attempts but
you will quickly learn that they don’t really want to know how you’re
feeling. They want a quick, ‘I’m fine’,
or ‘oooh, a bit sick’. They don’t want
to know that you are puking and subsequently carb-loading like a hyperactive bulimic,
Trimester Two
You should probably be feeling more human around now
and will finally start reading the weekly emails you’ve subscribed to. These will tell you every single cell
mutation and development going on in your baby.
It is fascinating. Its sex is
determined pretty much on day one, it goes through a whole fruit salad of
sizes, from grape to avocado to watermelon (OK, the last one is my addition,
but that’s how it will feel soon enough).
Grandparents will love to learn where their grandbub is up to. NOBODY else will. Everyone else will be satisfied to know that
you are pregnant and will then forget about this until Trimester Three when
your bump will make it impossible for them not to remember.
At some point you
will learn something that will make you realise that THIS.IS.REAL. For me, that moment was when I learned my
baby had nails. That was a) fascinating,
b)terrifying. This really is a person
growing in there, with nails!!!! But then, could it claw its way out??? No, of course
I knew that wasn’t possible. I was,
however, slightly worried that I may get my insides nicked.
You will start to ‘get organised’. You will go to a baby retailer and look at
all of the wonderful things they say you absolutely need. But you’re above that. You won’t be drawn in and you will only buy
the essentials. You head for the pram
section and realise that you know nothing about prams. You thought it was simply a wheeled vehicle
for transporting small people in.
Wheels, handle and seat seem about all you would need, but no! There will be apparently identical prams with
£300 price differences. You need to
decide if you want a full travel system or just a pram. Parent or front facing? Isofix or...whatever the opposite of that is? Will it fit in your car? Is the basket underneath easily
accessible? Are there drinks holders?
AAARRRGGGHHH! You will turn on your heel and leave, telling yourselves that you
will come back another day once you have done the research. You will never do the research. You return to the shop several times and
finally settle on whatever pram is on offer.
Post-birth, you will realise how inappropriate your pram is. You will rue the day you didn’t put the
effort in to work out just what was what.
Your bump will start to show and this gets you some nice
perks. I managed to queue jump AND pee
for free at London Euston train station. The cleaner saw me and screeched, ‘You! Come here pregnant lady!’ and pushed me
through the turnstile. People hold doors for you, bend
down to pick up items that you have dropped and general treat you kindly. They’re even patient when you have a full
trolley of shopping bagged up and realise that your baby brain has forgotten
your PIN. No-one tuts, they just offer
to help you unload everything again. You
will remember your PIN just as they finish this but you will decide its
probably best not to mention this right now...Small hint: Make the most of this
special treatment. After your baby
arrives it will come as a shock that people don’t somehow realise that you have
actually grown, birthed and nourished another human with your body. They will let doors slam in your face, make
you wait your turn in line and expect you to know your PIN.
Trimester Three
Now you really do have to get yourself sorted. You open all of the boxes and bags you have
stashed away and realise you have three cot mobiles and no mattress. You then read up on baby sleep safety and
discover that bumpers and quilts and blankets will all kill your baby and so
none of that will be used. You then dash
out to buy some blankets with holes in to let the baby breathe and a sleeping
bag or two.
Everyone around you will know that d-day is near. As in the first trimester, everyone you meet
will reel of the same list of questions.
Unlike in the first trimester, you will be so bloated and tired that you
have no energy to humour them with answers. You may consider compiling a card to hand out to people to head off such interactions. Feel free to print and hand out this template...
Finally, your baby will arrive early or late but almost
certainly not ‘on time’. Your birth will
be what it will be and you will do amazingly.
Your baby will come out all slimy and screamy and scrawny. Its umbilical cord stump will stink. Everyone will coo and aaah and you will smile
and wish your nipples would go back to being a part of your body you were
mostly unaware of. The searing pain emanating
from them will be worse than the birth.
You will be exhausted, drained, overwhelmed, terrified and confused. But at some point – maybe in the delivery
room, maybe hours, days, weeks, months or years later – you will look at the
being you have brought into the world and realise that, true to the cliché, it
really was all worth it.
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